starless nights

Late Night/Early Morning Reading

ryanpat — Sun, 24 Sep 2006 09:08:29 +0000

From Edmund White’s A Boys Own Story

“I hypothesized a lover who’d take me away. He’d climb the fir tree outside my window, step into my room and gather me into his arms. What he said or looked like remained indistinct, just a cherishing wraith enveloping me, whose face glowed more and more brightly. His delay in coming went on so long that soon I’d passed from anticipation to nostalgia. One night I sat at my window and stared at the moon, toasting it with a champagne glass filled with grape juice. I knew the moon’s cold, immense light was falling on him as well, far away and just as lonely in a distant room. I expected him to be able to divine my existence and my need, to intuit that in this darkened room in this country house a fourteen-year-old was waiting for him.

“Sometimes now when I pass dozing suburban houses I wonder behind which window a boy waits for me.

knights and princes

ryanpat — Wed, 06 Sep 2006 02:38:44 +0000

As they grow up, some boys dream of being the knight in his shining armor, fighting the bad guy and rescuing the girl, the damsel in distress. My fantasies were never quite so simple as I grew up, or even now for that case. Depending on the day and my mood and the person I think of, I sometimes dream of being that knight in shining armor, fighting the bad guy and rescuing the prince that is in distress, and there are other days, I have to admit, where I dream that a knight in shining armor is fighting the bad guy, all so that he could save me, his prince. My feelings are, and never were as simple as I would like.

The Rantings and Complaints of a Nobodyupdated

ryanpat — Fri, 01 Sep 2006 07:21:17 +0000

Yes I’m gay. Yes, I’m awkward and clumsy, and a bit girly at times. Yes, I am sometimes slow and not the brightest person around. I’m not the fastest, nor am I the biggest. In all truth I am a fucking moron. I know that I will always be a nobody, but what I can’t wait for is the day when I can get lost in that.

Yes, I want you to like me. Hell, I’d love to be your friend. I try to be one, the best one that I can be. I dont think that I ask for much, but obviously I do. What’s too much? What could be worse than what I’m getting and receiving right now. If I werent such a candy ass I’d hurt myself. Maybe then eh?

You want me to shut up. I’ll try. You want me to behave different, less awkward? I’ll try. You want me to be one of the guys? I’ll try. Just dont leave me alone, and dont make me feel fucking inferior. I try my best, but it isnt good enough for you or for anyone. And you honestly wonder why I fucking hate myself?

*updated* I woke up fine, but the air is still thick with tension, but that’s alright. That’s part of what it means to be human and imperfect, and to be friends with imperfect people in an imperfect world. As I lay in bed last night trying to sleep I gave myself some advice, and I spoke it aloud because I knew that it needed to be said: Imagine a perfect world , but know that it will never be.

Dreams, and Loved Ones, and Blessings, and Presumptuousness

ryanpat — Sun, 27 Aug 2006 08:19:33 +0000

I have been greatly priveleged to know some very fine young men, and also some cute little children. When I think of the kids that I love I think of Jon, and Seth, and Simeon, and Kip, and Kaz. When I think of the fine young men that I know I think of Bryan, and David, and Matt, and Logan,and Peter, and Aaron, and Ryan. It is for each of these, along with many other reasons, that I consider myself truly blessed.

I have had the privelege of also knowing and loving some very true, and very special friends. I think of those whom I love most dearly – Amie, and Susan, and Krystal, and Aaron, and Nick,and Jake, and Dave, and Jeff, and Jordan.

I do not know what my future holds. And though I do not wish that I was gay, for I take pride in it, a pride in being different, I also know that if I were not, then I could have taken two great opportunities that presented themselves a few years back. Amie and Krystal are two girls that I love fiercely, and would do anything for. But I was physically attracted to neither, and I know that if I was, then I could have had two amazing, amazing girlfriends. But they are now but friends, and I have to consider myself blessed for having known them.

But more than anything in this world I want children. To be more precise, I want sons. For many years now I have dreamed of raising a son, helping him and loving him and encouraging him to be both like me, and not like me. It has been a dream of mine of someday to hold my son and to raise him in the world. But it is a dream that I do not know if I will ever be priveleged enough to have. And more than anything else, that is what I want, and desire.

God help me.

And though I am not a eunuch, I may very well be a tree that bears no fruit. And though it may be presumptuous of me, and God forgive me if it is, I still take this verse and hope that some of it’s message might be true of me and my fears, and for those whose fears are true and real, men and women who are without sons and daughters against their better desires and dreams.

3 Let no foreigner who has bound himself to the LORD say,
“The LORD will surely exclude me from his people.”
And let not any eunuch complain,
“I am only a dry tree.”4 For this is what the LORD says:
“To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
who choose what pleases me
and hold fast to my covenant-

5 to them I will give within my temple and its walls
a memorial and a name
better than sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name
that will not be cut off.

Isaiah 56:3-5

QAF

ryanpat — Mon, 21 Aug 2006 14:42:44 +0000

I just wanted to link this column that I found about a year ago on gaychristian.net; it’s called Queer as Faith, and it’s writer, Nathan Gunter is a Godsend. Numerous times over the last year, and I’m sure in the months and years to come, his words made me laugh and smile, and they gave me hope – a hope that things will straighten themselves out eventually.

http://www.gaychristian.net/qaf/index.php

some goals or dreams or somethings

ryanpat — Sun, 20 Aug 2006 01:54:17 +0000

I went to my great grandmother’s funeral today, on my Dad’s side. It was sad, but it wasnt sad enough to cry alot over (I did my share of crying on Monday after I heard that she had passed.) But it was very nice to see my dad’s family once more, though I typically see them every Christmas holiday, and some closer relatives numerous times over the year. But one thing that I noticed, was my desire to get to know some of them more deeply. Mainly, my Uncle Charles, a man I admire for the sole reason that he is a good man, a man filled with compassion and understanding. But also for the fact that he is a homosexual. And all my family knows that he is, and they love him still. It fills me with hope, and a great desire to get to know him, and to hear his story.

One of the biggest, and greatest regrets in my life is the fact that I have not spent nearly enough time with my dad’s family as I did with my mother’s. These are all men and women who have experienced life, far longer than I.

On the way home my best friend asked me what my goals are for this year, and besides the hope, and the necessity of improved grades, I long also to spend more time with my dad’s family, hopefully a trip to Tulsa some weekend. I want to grow closer to them, especially with my Dad’s departure so soon. See, my Dad’s leaving to fulfill one of his life’s greatest dreams – to leave behind Wichita, and to head to New Mexico. This dream, years in the making, will come to fruition in a little over a week.

And lastly, I’d like, some way or other, to find some measure of happiness or contentment in my life. I dont know what it looks like, but it is something that I am in dire need of.

a tired prayer

ryanpat — Tue, 01 Aug 2006 04:09:30 +0000

It has slowly been becoming clear that there are things that I need to work through; that there are roads that I need to travel, and ideas that I need to sort and work through. I have very little self confidence, I am easily frustrated and agitated at myself. When I look at my personality and when I look at myself in the mirror I typically do not like what I see. What is the root of all of this, and how do I address it?

What I want most in life is to be told by those that I cherish and need, that I too am cherished and needed by them. Haku, in the anime Naruto, says that the worst feeling on this earth is the feeling that you arent needed by anyone; I know that I am needed by my parents, and my family…but why am I not satisfied with that? Am I that selfish and conceited? That self-centered?

Jesus, Dad, Holy Spirit speak truth to my heart, remind me of who I am and what you see in me. Show me Jesus, if it be your will, that I am not ever alone. That I am loved by you and by so many more. I don’t feel like it now. Daddy I feel tired and unwanted, and alone. Just somebody Dad. Please. Love me tonight, wrap me in yourself, keep me safe and comfort me as I sleep. I pray dad, I pray. And I love you

my love affair with movies

ryanpat — Sat, 29 Jul 2006 05:30:23 +0000

Cameron Crowe is one of, if not, my favorite director to date. I was first introduced to him through Jerry Maguire, and then through Vanilla Sky. I think that Maguire is a very good movie, but I also think that Vanilla Sky is an extraordinary movie, that I love. I remember watching it with my best friend and afterwards both of us were in shock. We were speechless. “The night where true love seemed possible” haunted and intrigued me. But more than anything else it scared me, for I have always desired to fall in love. And here I am twenty years old and I havent dated or been kissed. I was scared that I’d be alone forever, and so the notion, the very idea of true love both haunted me and pissed me off.

I have seen only two movies by him, but Baz Luhrman is another director that I admire. He made the 1996 version of Romeo and Juliet, as well as Moulin Rouge. These movies are also movies that I love, but hate to watch and think of, for their stories also presented love in its most truest form. I hated listening to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack, I hated my desire to sing “Come What May” because I hated feeling jealous and alone. But somehow that changed for me.

The last movie by Cameron Crowe that I saw was Elizabethtown, another one of my favorite movies. I enjoyed it far more than Vanilla Sky and Jerry Maguire, and it also made a much bigger impact in my life. Somehow, somewhere, and some time in the past that movie did some things to me, that changed my heart. And one of the many conclusions I came to as a result of this movie is this: Life, and Love are not ever easy, and that to find real life, and real, true love requires risk and danger and failure, and the ability to try again.

I still do not know if it is right for me to even think of dating another guy. I wish I knew. But if I wait for my answers to arrive, then I will always be alone. To quote Jimmy Eat World, “You’ll sit alone forever, if you wait for the right time.” This does not mean that tomorrow I will be firm in my resolve to find someone. Rather, with the amount of sleep I’ll get, and the day ahead of me tomorrow, I will probably feel little of what I am feeling now. And really, what am I feeling now? Hope? Resolve? I don’t think so; I don’t think that I will feel hope and joy and happiness until I go out and try. But what I know is this, that if grace is true, and it really is, then I can fail and know that I am still a beloved child of God. I won’t purposely fail, but I will reach for the stars and try and risk, hopefully with the knowledge that Jesus is there with me, regardless of my success, always rooting for me to be Great. And that He is not, nor will he ever be the only one to do so.

another day, a fresh start

ryanpat — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 06:12:17 +0000

I am twenty years old, a Christian, and gay. In my twenty years I have never dated any guy or girl, nor have I ever kissed or been kissed by any guy or girl. And here I am wanting and desiring a relationship when I am not sure of how God would look at it, yes I know the arguments, and I don’t want to get into that. Here I am wanting and waiting and yearning for a relationship when I don’t know who or what I am looking for in a significant other. Here I am wanting a relationship when I don’t even know if I am ready for one. Having never been in one, I have no idea of the problems and challenges that lay ahead. I have a vague sense of what I am looking for, but I haven’t found anyone to completely meet the criteria. I tell myself that I have on occasion, but I think that those times are caused by my great desire for a change in this apathy and in this loneliness that I feel, and this dark cloud that hangs over my head every night.

I have dreams, and hopes, and ambitions like everyone else. I dream of being a minister of the Gospel of Grace and Peace. I dream of loving and speaking and listening, in the name of Jesus, to a world that is in pain and that is lost in the darkness. And yet I too am lost in my own personal darkness. My relationship with Jesus is better now that it has been in a long while. I know that my Lord loves me, and will never ever forsake me or leave me. But if being in a relationship with another guy is the only way for me to be happy right now, what does that make me?

The answer to that question scares me to death….for if that is the key to my happiness, what does that make me? Man was not meant to be alone, God said so. Yet, to the best of my ability, I have placed my sexual orientation in the hands of the Father. I have worked, and prayed fervently for change, and yet none has been experienced. If celibacy is the only way for me to live as an unchanged Gay Christian Man, how is it fair, or right for me to be forced to be alone.

Jesus help me to not make this about me. NOT ME. But you. Help me Lord to turn my eyes on you, and to remain focused on you; to not lose trust, to not lose faith, but to remain steadfast with my eyes fixed on you, the author and defender of my faith, and even more than those, my hope and my life are you my Lord. Help me to trust and to have faith in the fact that it has all been written, and that regardless of whatever may lie ahead, that Your presence and Your strength and Your Will will carry me on.