Dreams, and Loved Ones, and Blessings, and Presumptuousness

I have been greatly priveleged to know some very fine young men, and also some cute little children. When I think of the kids that I love I think of Jon, and Seth, and Simeon, and Kip, and Kaz. When I think of the fine young men that I know I think of Bryan, and David, and Matt, and Logan,and Peter, and Aaron, and Ryan. It is for each of these, along with many other reasons, that I consider myself truly blessed.

I have had the privelege of also knowing and loving some very true, and very special friends. I think of those whom I love most dearly – Amie, and Susan, and Krystal, and Aaron, and Nick,and Jake, and Dave, and Jeff, and Jordan.

I do not know what my future holds. And though I do not wish that I was gay, for I take pride in it, a pride in being different, I also know that if I were not, then I could have taken two great opportunities that presented themselves a few years back. Amie and Krystal are two girls that I love fiercely, and would do anything for. But I was physically attracted to neither, and I know that if I was, then I could have had two amazing, amazing girlfriends. But they are now but friends, and I have to consider myself blessed for having known them.

But more than anything in this world I want children. To be more precise, I want sons. For many years now I have dreamed of raising a son, helping him and loving him and encouraging him to be both like me, and not like me. It has been a dream of mine of someday to hold my son and to raise him in the world. But it is a dream that I do not know if I will ever be priveleged enough to have. And more than anything else, that is what I want, and desire.

God help me.

And though I am not a eunuch, I may very well be a tree that bears no fruit. And though it may be presumptuous of me, and God forgive me if it is, I still take this verse and hope that some of it’s message might be true of me and my fears, and for those whose fears are true and real, men and women who are without sons and daughters against their better desires and dreams.

3 Let no foreigner who has bound himself to the LORD say,
“The LORD will surely exclude me from his people.”
And let not any eunuch complain,
“I am only a dry tree.”4 For this is what the LORD says:
“To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
who choose what pleases me
and hold fast to my covenant-

5 to them I will give within my temple and its walls
a memorial and a name
better than sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name
that will not be cut off.

Isaiah 56:3-5